oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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