When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
