ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
