That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
