I met the friendliest cop last night
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
