I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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