sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
