But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
