Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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