Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
