I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
