They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
