Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So. Much. Porn.
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