I wish I could teleport
I cannot find my penis.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
