I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
