Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
