Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
