Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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