there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
