He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize
