I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
