I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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