im holly from the hills drunk
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
