she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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