Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
