That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
pray to the hookup gods
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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