Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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