The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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