I just pynch a tree in the face
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize