i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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