I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
