I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
