I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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