I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
