why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
40s are totally the cure
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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