the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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