I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
