we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
