Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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