i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize