I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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