She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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