I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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