i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
