i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
