Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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