After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
