i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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