I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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