Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
