He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
this is an emotional support booty call
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
