Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
