just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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