make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
