she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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