so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
