Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
