so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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