it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize