Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
