I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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